I have not made very many serious diary entries in a while. Probably because

I have been so wound up in life here in Las Vegas. I keep trying to do ALL the

things I think I should SHOULD be doing and in the end end up doing only a small

amount of what actually needed to be done. See, last weekend I divorced myself

from a lot of people and things in order to finish a few things. Write the personal

plan found on this site for myself. It was also intended to go to the bank

as I try applying for a loan.

Well, that weekend I had some other things that needed to be done as well,

so you can imagine I was very busy. I even had to Adolfo I needed to work and

could not hang out with him. This included friends in the world I would talk

to.

Well, Monday I found out that my hopes of getting a loan for the project were

slim to none because of the nature of the debts I wanted to pay. I am staring

at the end of the month with this IRS debt and all the other normal bills baring

down on me. Geez, an unexpected bill will kill me. So far things look good for

rent and the usual things. I still need to take care of this IRS as the top

priority.

Enough of the depressing shit. I sit around and whine about so much bullshit

and am generally an unhappy person. Not that I do not want to be, I really want

to be happy, but I have doing this depressing mopey shit for so long I do not

know how to be any different now. For me it’s all money related. Who gives a

damn anymore about have ing a befriend, lover, whatever anymore. I really want

to settle my financial situation. I want some financial security instead of

this near-financial-death experience.

Yes, Adolfo and I are still together and dating. He routinely gets up my nose

lately over his issues of insecurity and his communication problems. I am perfect,

huh? Well, I do love him very much. I really do. The thing is every time I have

to deal with some melodrama I feel a little less love. I feel like I am being

pushed away from him at times. It makes me feel upset inside because I am investing

into this person. It’s been a while (not since Brian) that I felt these things

inside.

A couple weeks ago I went to se Spiderman with Mikey (the day it came out)

and I knew Adolfo wanted to see it too. So, I went with Mikey and did nt tell

Adolfo. Adolfo and I had a special evening on the following Sunday which included

seeing Spiderman. I admitted afterward that I went to see it with Mikey afterward

and that caused drama for 2 plus days! The latest issue is similar as I went

to see Star Wars with Mikey and now Adolfo is mad because I went without him.

He tells me "I do not want to see it". Oi vay!

For the last month plus I have been seeing pictures of Natalie Portman and

the entire cast of the movie in his apartment from any magazine that published

Star Wars news. I thought it was okay to see SW with mikey, but apparently not.

I guess I learned my lesson now!

Well, I have to bare down and refocus. I hope I am doing everything right,

because I feel like and am blindfolded and running through a forest. I am coming

away with a lot of bruises!

This diary entry seemed to ramble a bit. I was a little bit all over the place,

huh? Well, I am just trying to be successful. Am I right or wrong?