I was just talking to someone at work about the idea of moving out of this city. I talked about Chicago and Providence. Why would I want to move? Other than the summer heat, other than the complete lack of community, there is something about Las Vegas that is missing something for me.

This place is not a happy place. There is so much chaotic energy here. There is no soul or spirit. There is ambition, greed, non-stop hunger… need. All of which I have feasted on myself, but I think I am at an age where I want some peace of mind and contentment. I can have a j.o.b. and that kind of security as long as I live here, but I want community and I want to feel something more than that I am.

Donald Trump says the “people never change”… it’s a synical if not dark hearted point of view although not terribly inaccurate. I have changed a lot over time, but I haven’t. I think back to my freind Maureen in Boston who just looked at me one day and told me what she thought. Like most people I get close to, I eventually grated her nerves completely raw. She is right. Kenny is right. Keith is right. Terry is right. I am not always a good person.

I am spoiled, selfish, extremely demanding, self-centered, and sometimes callus. I am sensative, empathetic (sometimes too much), and emotional. I am insecure, occasionally and unintentionally brutish, confident beyond all others that I can do ANYTHING I set my mind too. But then, I am sometimes lathargic, lazy, put things off, self-loathing, and self-deprecating.

That’s me in a nutshell. I wish all those people who know me, knew me, loved me, hated me, grew tired of me, could read this and respond. I miss Maureen, I miss Brian. I miss Rick… all of whom I left in Boston.

As for Adolfo, he has managed to love me no matter what I do. It’s this kind of value that really keeps me with him… to his own demise or mine I am uncertain. Our relationship has become lost a little over the last couple years, but the best thing about it is how much we have become a unit. There are times when I really drive him right off the edge, but that is pretty much the same in any relationship. Right?

As you can see I am growing very reflective. I think about the people who have touched my life and the consistant elements between them. I think Adolfo and John B (from Long Beach days) are simular in a lot of ways. I think John would have stayed with me a long time had I not cheated on him with a guy I thought I fell in love with. John was devoted, wonderful, and in many ways as generous and warm hearted as Adolfo can be.

Brian (from Boston) would have most certainly left me behind. I thought he loved me and I thought I loved him. Well, I still love him but not in the same way. Anyway, my point is that I am certain he would have left me had I not left him. Our relationship was out of balance and he deserved better; I guess he found that.

The things a person thinks about sometimes!?!?!?!?! I have been thinking about all these people from thepast and present. I try and focus on the ways they touched me inside; good, bad or other. As much as some relationships went bad or got lost there were some great lessons in them.

One of the most important people in my life was ToplessEd (in Long Beach). As a freind. He was/is the best freind I have ever had. He still lived in Long Beach. We connect periodically. But, I wish to God he was around so we could hag out and dish. I miss my Canadian Mikey.

When I was at Starbucks before work today I had a flashback to when I first met Mikey right there. It was the same Starbucks. I met with Mikey and Chuckles and started some freinships that could have conceivably … could have… been the anchor that made life in Las Vegas a good thing. But, it all went to shit.

Things go to shit sometimes in such a bad way. Just like I recently wrote about with K and B at the birthday thing. It all started with me being a shit and the shit rolled down hill and got bigger and bigger!!!! Chuckles and I had a big falling out. I remember my nurse Kate in Boston who might have needed a better friend than I was and it went to hell. Last year when I got pissed at Keith for being a yutz, it did not have to go as far as it did. When Rick in Boston got sick of my bitchiness and bonded with Brian. When Maureen got upset with me… she was a good freind because she never gave up on me. Or, so I recall. That is the kind of freind I would like to be and attract. Allan is sorta like that, but we live too far apart to have the kind of freindship we might both enjoy. Of course, I got full of myself last year at him and pissed all over him, too.

I suck. I should just put a fucking gun to my head and blow my own fucking head off. I have been such a jerk sometimes. ON THE OTHER HAND… I am a demanding guy. I want good things and good people. For every shitty thing I did there was some sense of something inside myself I needed to satisfy whether is was self pitty or self doubt.

I would never ever ever want to burn a bridge with a person I called a freind. If I call a person a freind it is because I trust them … TRUST THEM with my soul, my belief in goodness, my faith. The men I have loved have been given that same level of trust… well, most of them.

………… See, now I feel kinda spent haveing spewed out a lot of this crap. Every word is true. Everything has been on my mind a while. It grows and grows and grows until I can let it come out… through a fucking blog.

There are names all over this journal and some have been unfortunately left out. Yet, no one is forgotton. Gary, I don’t think you neccessarily see me in the real context but the voice in this stupid diary. Allthough we talked on the phone a couple times, your wrds when they come back to me always make me feel good.

Terry, my words about Ed are almost identical about you. I miss you so much, but when I meet Kathy and your son I see such a lovely family. I am a little envious.

I do not know why, but Maureen has been in my thoughts a lot too. The whole thing about my life in Boston has made me a little homesick for the area.

Keith, whereever you are be safe and make your own blog so you can stay in touch!!!!!!! He called me from Munich a couple weeks ago… the bastard.

I guess this is long enough now. Please please please let know with the comments or through e-mail. Please feel free to enter your comments!!!!!!