Uriels Journal

a little prayer

a little prayer

The new job is going really well and I hope that it keeps going that way. I will do everything I can to keep it going that way. So, this is my new start and this is my new outlook. Given recent years of non-stop bad luck and consistent failure these recent blessings are really over due in some ways.

It’s not entitlement. It’s not about what I deserve. The universe never looks at things that way. If she dis it would be a cruel twist. If I did I would be crazier than I already am.

So the job is really great so far and it looks like it could going well if I keep my nose to the grindstone and focused on what I need to.

On the other hand I have a boyfriend who I have been with now for five months and we spend a lot of time together. As much as I have expressed my love for him he has not done so much in return… at least in words. Actions have been pretty telling and his actions have made me very happy.

He is a sweet guy who shows he cares on so many levels. He is attracted to me… ME! He thinks I am sexy… when so many people in my past have said just the opposite unless they wanted something.

But he and I have our demons and we say and do stupid things to fuck our own heads. I tell him ‘I love you’ and in return I got mocked. It was his defenses reacting… because nothing is ever good enough. I still love him and he sometimes says things that make me think I am wasting my time; but he and I are carved from the same block of wood. It’s uncanny the things we match on.

Not all those things are healthy. But we are two terribly flawed people who together are both better humans.

I feel so insecure about this and lately I have been asking myself if I am really in love with him. I think I am. I am afraid that I am so exposed that my own insecurities are like screaming voice in my head bringing the doubts like scattered ran clouds. It’s like an impending storm.

God give me the strength, wisdom and vision to find my way and the light at the end of the tunnel. Please grant me the light to retain my optimism and save me from myself.

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