I am sitting here having gone through UrielsJournal.Com several times with quite a few updates. I tried to refine this thing I might have lost control of and lost site of… ya know what I mean.
I kind of do the same thing with me. I lost myself as much as I lost track of what it meant to be living. I also find myself being reflective of where I am and how I got here. I cannot blame my parents.
I know I blame a lot of my personality problems on my father. As fucked up a human being I thought he was, I am left often wondering about him. Who he is now? Yet, I doubt he has changed much. That story has been told here enough. [#jack, #father, #failure] [post: letter]
My mom is a warrior. She is fighting on through life and she takes good care of my step-dad even though she faces a lot of criticism. But, she is my foundation.
When I think back to my childhood there is a lot of blank spots. I see my mom as this hard working woman who took a lot of shit, but worked her way for retirement and got what she wanted (well, sort of). She gave it to me once or twice as best she could to keep a fucked up kid like me in line.
My dad on the other hand… most of my memories of Jack are very negative. There were good memories, but they were torn up in the mess.
Why have I blocked out so much of my childhood and why do I remember it as if it was torn up and left in small pieces on the floor? I sound like him when I talk sometimes. I hate that about me.
My laugh is like hers. My relationships are like hers; a least in my approach. I feel like I have no friends and am alone; which I think is a lot like she might feel.
Now, my step-dad on the other hand is a good man and a positive influence in my life. I really only have pleasant memories of him and only learned of all his medical problems this year. I cannot believe my head was so deep in the sand.
Narcissism or not I am trying to live my life the best way I can. I am not worthy of myself and I am afraid that in my wake other people could get caught in those current and be dragged down. I really hate myself sometimes and would gladly be done with me. I want to do good things for good people and yet it feels like everything and everyone I touch turns to ashes eventually.
The above movie link …well, it got me thinking about Jack. I don’t hate him. He is the cornerstone for the dysfunctional part of me… maybe. As much as I try to be a better person. To be a good friend. To be a good partner. Good son. Good human. When his voice comes out of me it all turns to ashes in my hands. I guess I do blame him.
Update: 5 Minutes Later : A friend posted this on Facebook
Yep, it made me laugh and finish with a light sigh. Perspective?