i am back from Burning Man now… on the way home we ate at Burger King in Tonopah and were posioned. Nacie also says she is not feeling well. With that and other obligations today, I am not feeling much motivation. I expected to feel differently about a lot of stuff given ALL the refelction I did while away.
There is nothing in my way to be succesful right now and I still feel like a total loser. I am drowning in my own filth and cannot swim hard enough to get very far above the surface.
While at BM I did a lot of thinking … I also did a lot of thinking about the people I know. Seems like freinds are constantly letting me down and I cannopt count on anyone. I have to stand on my own, but I find myself wanting someone in my life more than ever.
I wrote a long thing about BM on the myBurn page over in the menu column. It will be posted today soon after this goes out. I am also going to make some entried on the Burning Man blog my Journey > also seen to the right.
Basically I am just at a loss and feel like I cannot do anything right. I feel really alone and last night this food poisoning was really screwing with me. I was so sick.
People often act like they care more than they really do and here in Vegas I find myself distinctly adrift. I miss having friends and people around that are there and give a shit. Guess that is asking a lot? Guess it is asking a lot for having dinner with a friend or to be able to go for a hug.
On top of all that I am caught between a rock and a hard place because it fees like a lot of people in the burner community actually have been sensitive and caring. Yet, I feel like all the time I spent with some of them this week they were just sick of me by the end.
Ugh, I am not a drama queen. I am venting. I had an amazing time last week and made some great contacts. I felt so fortunate to be around many of those people (most of them anyway). Bam Bam was so caring and watched my back when we were out there. BATT was so sweet. So many great energies.
Now I want something more. I need something else…