I took this picture last night. I needed it for something.
Today I stayed home all day and though I kept myself busy with stupid things, I sulked again. I let my monkey brain wander through a forest of bad feelings and focus how lonely I feel a lot of the time. I focused on all the things I was missing out on, though I did nothing to resolve that situation. And why not go here or there…? Who wants to hang around me?
I have become this sad old fat man who does not feel good about himself on any level. I see myself as someone who is miserable, so if I hang with other people in this dark form, I will make them miserable.
There are antidots for that feeling, none of which I am willing to take on right now. Fake ways to make myself tolerable and forget the things that are making me worry so much. But, I have no desire to bury those things in booze or other things to cover the other feelings up.
Exercise could be a good solution, if only I could manage to make that happen. It is simply a matter of doing and overcoming the things in my way. The act of doing requires the first step and I have lost my footing and my path.
Sigh.
I have no voice. I have no tribe around me anymore and it feels very lonely.
I have several worries today
are some of the medications I am taking fucking my head up and sending me down a road of early dementia?
am I holding my partner back from a better life or is he propping me up for mine?
I promised myself I would write here more. The trick is not to let this become a place of non-stop complaining. There was a long period where I think that, that was all that was coming out of me. So, I think I am going to riff a little while and see where this goes.
The editor I hired to look over my book that I spent a few years working on has completely dropped the ball and admitted he was never going to get it done. There was the suggestion of a refund, but I am not convinced. The book does need more work, but I am finishing up a sequel to it now. Which is really helpful because I can further assess out some of the longer term plot points and characters I was using. Book 1 is about 400 pages, Book 2 is starting to get close to 600.
The universe is yelling at me to make some changes, and I keep holding back. It will kick my ass if I do not heed the clear messages I am getting. I have never been afraid to make leaps of faith. The truth is it has generally worked in my favor to jump. The biggest things holding me back are my age and the fact I do not want to stress out my CMonster.
I have been trying to lose weight. I have been dieting and watching what I eat. I have been drinking a lot more water, less coffee, reduced sugar. In the scope of things, animal proteins down 90% and eliminating wheat as much as possible.
eliminating wheat has reduced inflammation in my joints and reduced my pain significantly
same with meat, taking out all poultry, almost all pork, almost all beef made me feel much better….
but, in the last couple weeks I noticed sugar and meat were sneaking back in and it is time to slap that down again
Our apartment is lovely. We are so blessed. We are talking about moving far way. It is looking pretty serious now. Might be time to leave the bay area.
I have been blessed with some social things this week and feeling a bit more connected to the world. It has been a long time and I was really feeling very alone once again. Like, no one wanted to hang out. It’s been weird, but I think a lot of people felt that way.
Last Thursday hanging out at Ocean Beach for a Sunset burn and celebrating an early birthday with Bern
Breakfast with my friend and fellow weirdo Craig at Orphan Andy’s in Castro
Last night in the Laurel with Scoot and Propeller sitting around a lovely fire
Eager to hang out socially at Power House or the SF Eagle. But, seriously hung up on my weight and health right now. I am genuinely worried that if I do not get a hold on it that I am as good as dead.
You know when people are close to you pass on, I have a theory that it is death getting closer and closer until death finds you or someone else close by to take. So close sometimes. I have got to get my health back.
I started with a new therapist 2 weeks ago. The intake conversation left me in a very bad place. I was stunned how much she threw me off my center. The missing part of the equation, I did not know that was the kind of appointment we were going to have. I had no idea I had been assigned a psychologist.
It really took me more than a week to get hold of myself and I went into today’s appointment stating my needs. If you are going to open pandoras box, please close it when you are done. In the end, we left today in a good place. There was nothing earth shattering or new that came out of it.
I have had a lot of problems with a majority of the mental health people I had to work with at the V.A..
the first time I did this in San Francisco I met a shrink that was weird, in the course of the evaluation I felt really weird when it was done. She assigned me to a psychologist.
the psychologist was a full blown nut-bag. That put me off of Ft. Miley altogether on the subject.
the next person was a social worker who took me through something called CBTs, but there was a weird thing with him that we got along really well and it got in the way – big time. It really put me in a bad place.
moving on to a new facility, when I was finally diagnosed with PTSD. It was a diagnosis that FINALLY put me in a good place, but the journey was super hard. This time, the weight was on me. I really had a hard time and the guy that walked me through the CPTs was amazing, professional and a great guy. And now the journey is just continuing.
After that, when I got that diagnosis, broke my world a little. That was in 2019 (as I recall). I found people around me that took advantage of that distress. There are 2 people from my job that saw that weakness and did things that broken me was not able to deal with very well.
My PTSD comes from a couple different sources. There is a lot of childhood trauma sexual abuse. Then in 2016 here in San Francisco I was sexually assaulted again. A lifetime of struggling with my baggage and bad decisions and somehow I managed to survive to this day.
I can see my shortfalls but sometimes I cannot help but drive into the wall.
Today is Tuesday, which is my Monday at my job. It’s really no different than most days, other than I know I will likely be busy-ish for the first part of the day and then the second half I have to sit at the door. I have to greet people, tell them thank you for shopping at Cliffs, and make sure they are wearing the right kinds of masks. Also, make sure nothing is leaving unpaid. Pretty basic. I am being paid a wage that fits the job… I think. All good, right?
The weight of depression and anxiety is really debilitating and feels like a huge weight on my chest. Looking out from within I keep looking for a ledge to grasp on to to keep myself moving forward. Some constants like showing up to work is the firmest foundation I have. Making sure I meet my partners needs at home (food, general house care, etc) is another.
BUT, looking out there is a monster inside that looks at that second paragraph and keeps pointing out the flaws and what it thinks I need to do. That broken Id, is a crotchety, angry old fart who keeps saying they know better. It wants me to quit this job full stop. It wants me to just take a break. Like a big break. It tells me I can survive without the illusion that I HAVE TO KEEP this job.
But that voice has been right and wrong. That voice is not a healthy thing right now. There is a lot of weight on my neck with mourning, remorse, regrets and a growing fear of social situations that is literally killing me.
Most recently I found out someone I really care about has cancer.
The fallout with my mom is still really upsetting and I cannot feel safe backing up into that lane again.
I still keep wondering if there was a way to be in a better place with my biological family, even though that is and was – unlikely.
Is my partner and I really good for each other? This January will be 10 years long.
I feel like a glob of solid lard. I have been unable to get out and get exercise. I have been unable to go to the gym, and I am paying a gym membership, but I am just stuck in a mode like my feet are sinking in mud. I do think about what it would be like to not have those worries any more.
I have been thinking about an entry like this for a long time. Truth be told, I have been stuck in a place that has recently been making it harder to move forward with. They say, if you are looking back at your regrets you can’t be looking ahead to your future. And at my age my future is not the longest road left to travel.
But there are some points in the road that are places that I wish with all my heart I could go back and make a different decision. The truth is also, I might not be the same person I am now had I gone a different way. The person I am today is basically good and loving of other people.
My Military Service
The best single decision I made in my life was joining the Air Force when I was 17 years old on Nov 17th, 1982. I woke up one day, having never considered it before, and enlisted. By the following summer I was off to basic training. I loved my life there, even if it was hard, because I was a gay guy. But the regret comes when I decided to leave and took an early out in 1989 after 6 years. I should have stayed. I should have buckled down and been focused on my future, but I was too stupid to know what an amazing and good thing I had.
Bad choices were an ongoing theme of following my feelings and not what was really best for me. From a kid who grew up not really dealing with his feelings well at all. I had a lot of unhealthy life choices throughout my life and that was a big one.
That time for me was monumental. It was also my first time dealing with mental health issues. I was in a place where I was alone and felt so untethered as a young queer guy in Germany. It was the era of Ronald Reagan and the slow burn toward the end of the cold war. AIDS was in full bloom but I was miles away from it.
I knew the rules. They had to prove it. I lived my life. No harm. No foul. I left thinking the world was my oyster.
(Note: I wrote the above portion a month ago and it made me so wound up I had to step away. Anytime I take a dive into my own brain I really end up feeling very shaken in the end. It has also left me questioning a lot of personal choices and doubting my own feelings.)
My Relationship with my Sister (Lynn)
In spite of the very many things I wrote about in the past. In spite of the few short-sighted attempts to make some kind of reconciliation with my biological sister, I wish I had done a lot of things better with her growing up. We started off really really bad when I accidentally hurt her when we were super young.
Quick Story: I was around the age of 5 and she had to be around 2(?) when we were in the front yard of our house in the San Fernando Valley. Me, my sister, my mom and dad, were in the front yard. Someone tossed a ball and I had a bat to swing. When I did swing… I can still hear the words in my head… “I got it.” I swung the bat and Lynn ran for the ball behind me and the bat hit her right in the mouth.
I can still feel that story today. BUT, that is one of many things that happened between her and I over the years. One of my asshole friends whipped out his dick in front of her because he thought it was funny. I told him I did not want him too, but he goaded me into it. Major peer pressure from him and one of my other friends. I felt like a real asshole about that.
So, there were a lot of bad decision moments. She has every right to hate me forever. I have, about once every 5 years I bet, thought maybe we could reconcile and talk over coffee. I think when hell freezes over that could happen.
I was further deluded when my bio-dad and his sister somehow started a relationship again that was a good sign for us as well. The reasons to NOT reconcile have mounted over the years even if we have not talked. She seems to think a falling out with my dad had to do with money. And a falling out with my mom was on the same platform. When the truth was money was only the impetus that there was a problem and I had to step out of the way. Ugh.
(I have no images of me and my family at all. Is that weird? I have the pieces. And not one with the four of us.)
My Parents
If you spent any time I this blog you know there is already a lot there on this subject. I will say that with my mother’s decline of her health starting in 2019 that a lot of things have changed for me. I thought my dad was the blame for a lot of this fucked up dialog in my head. I learned that my mom had a lot to do with it too. Now I regret the place I was at with both of them. But, I do not regret that I had to get away from that toxicity. Check out: Jack, Category: Family Drama, Catergory: NFM (Not For Mom).
Not BEACUSE of my parents. Maybe because I had no structure growing up and any healthy role models. Maybe because I was a Queer kid in a world that did not understand or embrace queer kids? I was a tough ass kid to have as your kid. I was a pain in the ass.
I grew up around an environment always charged with sexuality and phonography. My dad made porn movies as a hobby, had a porn collection that was always accessible. My own life as a kid, I was surrounded by kids AS A KID willing to experiment. It was the 70’s baby. It can make for a fucked up adult.
My parents never had the time to be parents. Whether it was putting food on the table, like for my mom. Or, it was hiding in a safe space with his creative work on top of a full time job, like my dad. He took great care of himself and was able to retire at age 55.
I will be lucky to ever retire. So, in some ways this nut (me) fell off the tree and down the hill into a pile of dung. Wah-wah. That one, is on me. The relationship we are left with today is up to me as well.
Other things
When I was a kid, in the 6th grade, I was hanging out with some wild kids who lived in a creepy house ON Quartz Hill in Quartz Hill, California where I would one day go to High School. We killed a rabbit with a rock. I was about 10/11 at the time. The kid I was with was actually named: Leroy Brown – yes for real. He had some crazy brothers and they were a wild bunch of kids
When I broke up with Adolfo, I thought it was the right time and reasons. I loved him so much. I would have gladly spent the rest of my life with him. We started making some bad decisions and those started mounting with sex and finances and I thought it was the right thing to do. I wished he would have fought to keep us together, because I thought at that moment he was also done with me. We were both wrong.
When I left Las Vegas for California I was trusted by a friend in Vegas with money and I fell on some real tough times and I never paid him back. He said it was just money and forgave me, but I still have not forgiven myself. It was someone whom I really looked up to and was a real amazing paternal figure for me. I can’t redeem myself in my eyes and therefore I cannot redeem myself in his eyes.
4. I was a bad friend to a woman I knew really well in Las Vegas. I let three women from the community get into my head and took on their drama that was not mine. It made me look at people I cared about in a way I did not want to see them. Melissa was a woman of tremendous presence and while she could be a tough-cookie she did not deserve what ultimately ended up happening. Our friendship was lost. I missed her terribly and I said some super shitty things. She is, rightfully so, done with me.
5. I pulled back the curtain on Burning Man. I got involved too quickly and my sense of self-importance grew out of proportion to the facts. It has poisoned my belief in the culture handed down from the governing body of leadership, but it has also not dampened my core belief that there is a vital message at its heart that is very important. You can learn more about my Burning Man Life on the back section of this blog. (As of today: very out of date.)
I tried to short note some of the baggage in my head above. The things that I am hoping I can pull out of my head and let go of. Or I can find a way to restore and repair if at all possible.
Money has been a factor that has popped up in my life a lot as a catalyst for change or growth. I only started actually managing my money in the last ten or fifteen years with care. I still make barely enough to survive. And, in spite of my household income being what it is, I have to live off of what I bring in. I am paid okay but I am still having a hard time making ends meet. And this is nuts!
I have not heard from the Sherriff’s office since Friday and the email I tried to send them bounced back. By all eyes so far, their claims have no legs. To be blunt, it is just harassments from my family proving that their toxic lives are not a good fit for me. I have chosen a different path and cannot see myself in my parents.
The video above has resonated with me so hard since it first came out. Chester Bennington was someone I felt a weird connection to, his voice, his vibe, his being. When he left our world that one hurt.
His voice, his song is the soundtrack of soul crushing pain in my head. It happens more than one would think, but I am hardly the lone ranger on that. The song feels like it pushes back on the angst and anguish as if to cast light on it.
This version is particularly fun because …well, it was fun to watch.
I have no friends. Well, I do but they are all so far away. This really sucks that I am alone in that area. While C Monster is very important to me there are people missing in my life right now that are beyond my relationship.
In San Francisco I am alone… and I feel it intensely some times. I know at least a thousand people here and no one to hang out with. Some people seem like they could be there but they are not. Maybe I am too thick to see them?
The thing is I have worked really hard on cultivating some things here, but the friendships have been based on the wrong things. I had a friend named Victor who left me in the dust. Repeat several times and insert the names JJ, Jaden, Mark and more into that slot and the story repeats itself.
I have left friends before. Only when I saw them hurting themselves or other people and I could not be a part of that. That was my call. I did it with my parents before they went into recovery. I did it to people I was closest to. But that took strength.
I am alone. In a room full of people I am alone. I wish I had something better to write
Been spending some time thinking a lot about what makes me – me – in the now. My bf and I were traveling this last weekend and one of the things we like to do is listen to pod casts and a lot of them have to do with understanding money. If I could share some of the RICH DAD – poor dad series on here I would… one of them was particularly eye opening.
But, we did have two TED Talk pod casts we discovered and I saved two section here on my site:
If you took the time to listen to one or both I would love to know what you think. If you saw who the speakers were and dismissed the whole thing because you think you know it all already then you have your answer as well.
I am still alive… not that there is any great mystery to anyone paying any kind of attention. No one reads this blog any more and with the rise of Facebook, no one really goes past it.
I am still living in San Francisco and still living with my bf CMonster
I hate this living situation and would love it to change soon
I still have the job I talked about in my previous post which was about 6 months ago…
I am now working on my plans for Burning Man (see www.sunguardians,net)
My post yesterday felt a little on the dramatic side. I can feel like I am in some very dark places some times. My life… swear… feels like I am caught in some Greek tragedy. It is the Groundhog Day from Hell.
None the less, I am still navigating and keeping from sinking. I try and stay strong, though I am as weak as the bones I was carved from. I see all the faults of my parents in me. But I also see the strengths as well.
I am done faulting my father and my paternal lineage with where I am and who I am these days. There is a point where I am old enough to consciously make decisions for my self and take ownership of who and where I am.
The inner conflict I face sucks, but the horrible truth is I have to suck it up and find myself somewhere inside.
more as well. Check our www.queerburners.org for more details.
