I often see very positive energy coming my way and while I see it, energy does not always become matter. I wish there was more of a manifestation of something of that energy… or how that energy can drive me forward into more internal passion.
My passions are often generating energy that do not always land in a way that makes my journey stronger. I do a lot of things. I try and give a lot of myself. I try to expect nothing in return. Somehow, I feel like it is making me some karma coins yet something my mom told me once still seems to be a curse that floats over me: “If it weren’t for bad luck you would not have any luck at all”.
That statement was not a dig against me. It was not a negative dumped over my head. It was an inescapable truth in my life seeking to become more in my life. What sucks is I never really seem to be able to find the rung in life to get me beyond broke and drifting.
I think I am still looking for someone to be a mentor. It is something my dad never was. He, if anything, had a goal of hallowing me out with abusive context. I can count one occasion where he helped me in a place where I felt stronger inside.
I joined the military early on and spent 6 years doing something I loved. But, for stupid reasons, I bailed on that because I was looking at the green grass in the neighbors year. I let someone else talk me out of something good and frankly I have had to relive that regret over and over to this day. Not just the refret of leaving the Air Force like I did, but it seems I was destined to relive the scenario over and over.
It might have been over a relationship, job, decision to do something usually ending up with me making the wrong choice.
My step dad told CMonster once: “Scott will do what Scott wants to do…” which might sound stubborn. But more times than I could count I made a decision based on someone else’s logic I ended up regretting it. If it was a decision based on my own bad choice then it was a lot easier to live with.
I know who I am: Soldier, Loyalist, Community Activist, Human.
I know what I do best in the right circumstances: Love, Lead, Create … in my humble opinion.
Category Archives: Feeling it
Me Myself and I – wait, did this one
So, the last few days has been a course of reflection and you might have noted in my last 2 posts I talked a lot about potentially moving to Portland very soon. It has also been a good time to try and figure out HOW to move forward in WHAT mindset I should be in. Frankly, this time in San Francisco has been … at best … difficult.
The best part of living here has been CMonster. Making friends here has been very tough. And, trying to be a part of the community here has been just as tough; whether we are talking about the Burners or the Radical Faeries. I have never been in a place where it was so hard to crack the nut. While it might not be them so much as myself; I have to figure that out on my own.
I saw this post today on Facebook by “Coop“: “Want an example of how beliefs create your reality and drive your behavior? I just got off the phone with an international client who runs a non-profit, a consulting firm and works for a global relief organization. (Yes, she has 3 big jobs!) Needless to say, she’s near burnout and couldn’t understand why she committed to all of these high-profile responsibilities. For 3 weeks, we focused on the core issues and today, we finally identified the core belief driving her need to over-commit: She wasn’t loveable. Because of that, she didn’t love herself. Because of that, she didn’t like herself and she was being a martyr – basically burning herself out by pouring all of her effort into work while ignoring her health, key relationships and taking on more than is humanly possible. She felt isolated and alone, even when surrounded by people who loved and respected her. When we cleared the belief that she was not loveable, she felt a huge relief – and created a plan to shift her situation. I’m so fortunate to be able to do this work with amazingly brilliant and talented people” Coop (Micheal Cooper) does a lot of consulting for professionals.
That is not all. The article came out last week and was linked on Facebook by another of my amazing people in my life and it struck me.
Here is a Link to the Original Article: 10 Things That The People Who Love Their Lives Are Doing Differently
Surprise, surprise… happy people live their lives differently. They don’t have different lives. They just do a better job at living them than those who are unhappy.
They don’t bother trying to make others like them — mainly because they don’t care if they’re liked.
I don’t really know how much this applies to me. While I have tried to demonstrate to some people that I am committed to a specific cause or community that we have in common I wanted your respect more than your friendship. Don’t like me… I don’t care. Say I am a bad guy for any reason, you’re wrong. Maybe you’re right. But I do my best and if it is not good enough for you then – seeya.
They do things because they want to do them, not because they believe they have to do them.
For me this is a 50/50 issue as the work I do with Queer Burners feels like an obligations some times mostly because no one else steps up to lead and try and get people together in a community. It’s been moreso here in San Francisco where it is a bitch to get burners together. I have been beating a dead horse here.
They love their friends but don’t rely on them.
Yep. Don’t learn this the hard way. Your expectations will be the death of you.
When you ask them what they do, they don’t give you a job title.
Yep. I think I got this one too. If I have to put a label on myself I chose Renaissance Man… works.
When you ask them where they live, they say, “At the moment…”
Sorta… I think I might have this one but when I think about it, it is hard to step outside myself and see. I certainly do not think about things like other people and when you ask me about making soft plans for next week… I will often tell you ‘let’s cross that bridge when we get to it’ while when it come times to make plans to move that is planning. So, yeah.
They have their own philosophies, their own religion they created and live by.
Yep. Got this one too. My choices are those that people just don’t get and are quick to judge. Walk a mile in my moccasins. Or don’t; see item 1.
They embrace their impermanence.
Yep.
They see the world as their playhouse and their mind as the conductor.
You were saying…?
They live in the moment, but dream in the future.
#fail… sorta. I have to say I have spent too much time anchored to the past and often my head in the clouds. The best thing I could do for myself is to find my passion and drive. Then implement it. Right now I am feeling very broken and heavy. Fixing that has to happen first maybe.
They don’t bother changing others, but instead learn how to deal with them appropriately.
Yep. Never thought of trying to change others. However, if I can get CMonster to make some changes I think we would be more successful. But maybe that is exactly what is wrong with us?
So, those are the items some article says that people who love their lives. Just reading through these it feels like television is telling us all these things in reverse. Is that weird? Is that a weird realization now as I sat here seeing how my own life applied to those bullet points?
So, I do ask myself what I am doing wrong in my life to be where I am. Not that I am not counting the blessings I have. Not that I am trying to she the regrets based on a lot of bad decisions in life; chuck those out and move on. Not that I remain ever optimistic for the future. All I can do is work on freeing myself from any remaining baggage and move forward.
Portland in November
Time to stop kidding myself and stop coasting on nothing. I have been hiding out at CMonster’s place for a while and want to move on. The plan 
right now is focusing on Portland. I want to move to Portland, OR and find a home. From there I will get a job as quickly as I can and just start living again.
My life has been in this weird holding pattern for 3 years. In the last three years here in San Francisco, I have aged 10 years. I feel older, been sick a lot, physically hurt a lot, allergies gone mad, sanity slowly fading. It’s been a fucking bitch living here.
I do have to say that for few blessings my time here has been like a trip through purgatory. I met my bf whom I love and adore, it’s been 3 years and we seem to be okay together. We compliment each other but we still have this weird relationship that still seems to work.
Anyway, I am working out the details and will see how I can make it all happen.
What is a Friend?
One of the things I struggled with a lot here in San Francisco is that it has been really hard telling who I am friends with and who I am not. There are people I want to hang out with and I also want people to hang out with me. Sometimes those wants/needs/desires do not come together at the same time.
Who are my friends? And why do I find the people I care about most live the furthest away? Is distance the key to keep friendships with me? It is so frustrating.
Mind you I have some people I consider to be friends here, but there are times when it is clear that the friendship is one way. Not all, but it is a mutha-fukin’ struggle to get together with people. And I have discovered that party-friends are great when the party is happening but absent otherwise.
What I want in a friend is everything I am willing to give. Maybe that is not enough. Maybe that is the core of my failures in my hubris because I have failed on so many levels …it sucks. Not to play a tired violin but while I have taken inventory of my failures they are mine. And I am a good person…. who is flawed.
What kinds of friends do I think I want?
Completely platonic people who are interesting, creative and not pretentious to go to diner with and share a drink with on occasion. Male or female or other I love you all. *
*Something inside me is not finding this person. I have hangups that keep me from finding these people at this stage of my life somehow. I think I keep looking for this next category more:
Male friends who like the naked things who love going to playful places not necessarily wanting to have sex, but comfortable enough with themselves and others that boundaries are gray. Drinking and partying may be involved but nothing so wild it gets stupid. Dancing is great, let’s make a posse, but let’s not get lost but maybe let’s get dinner. **
**Again the problem with this group is that the agenda of the other friends seem to take priority over mine or our agendas are written in different books and converge only in passing.
A posse. I want a posse. I want a group of friends who like to have adventures – food – hanging out.
Yeah, I sound kinda fucked up, right? There were people I had to hang with then I lived in Vegas and back in my Boston days. I guess I expected to find that here in San Francisco but it just has not happen. It’s been pulling teeth trying to get people together in any situation here. So I am thinking it is really really time to leave and move on.
An Exhausting Weekend
It was one of those weekends. It was one of those weekends when you are called to be the +1 with your partner and all his college friends who were getting together for a birthday. It was the time to witness drunken tomfoolery and gross gluttony and just general hetero weirdness. But there were also some very nice moments.
BF has issues
I was so uncomfortable being injected into this crowd at first. I was with a bunch of strangers sharing a house for 3 days and 2 nights and then there was my BF crawling up my ass insisting I get comfortable. It took a little while, but frankly once he blacked out from drinking I had a great time.
Gluttony Shell Fist Style
We went to have oysters at an oyster farm and ate them hand over fist. OMG they were so fantastic. We had them hot and fresh and with a lot of beer and while and various Asian liqueurs. More went back to the house, as well as a giant bag of clams, lumpia like mad and so much…. and then when we got back we met in Oakland and had Korean BBQ and left so full we were in pain.
It is time for a diet. It is time for a sensible direction and change back to decent food that is not going to kill me… oh my hell.
2014 September Check-in
Good morning world. I looked at my analytics and it seems like people are still coming to my site, but seem to be looking at the pages with naked pics on them first. Not me, but from the 2012 Naked Bike Ride I participated in back then. It was a lot of fun, but something about this site and what it was set up for has somehow drifted.
Seems I find it harder and harder to write here and post because I am so busy doing other projects and avoiding some important things I need to be doing. It’s all about avoiding what needs to happen for what I want to happen. I want to live life on my own terms, but the delusion is that my terms are so vague and unsolved that I remain behind this computer lost in my fantasy world.
- Burning Man : my theme camp Sun Guardians : for two months before Burning Man in August 2014 I worked on that camp almost full time. Then when I got back I was so lit for fixing the problems of this year and making next year better that I ran full force into re-writing a plan for 2015. [my BM blog]
- my Writing : I have been writing since I was a teenager and am pretty damn good…. if I must say so myself. My work is contemporary and filled with colorful characters. I wold love to be published but I have no idea where to start and damn am I ready.
- my web sites : 2 burning man sites : queerburners.com : I can spend all the time I have in a day working on those. Hell, look at this site. I redid the whole design for it and the Burning Man part of it in a day.
What am I avoiding?
- job hunting : I need to find something that I can do to earn a living. I have become a red splatter on the pavement of the employed and am only just realizing how wrong I have taken life. Train Wreck. Bad Acid Trip.
- place to live : yes, I am currently homeless again. I am crashing with the boyfriend/partner. While it is good to be with him on this level and we are still strong with each other I left my last place because: hated living there, place reeked with mold, and more. I just had to get out of there thinking it would propel me forward… seems I am still stuck in the sling-shot.
I am taking this time to set money aside and do some things in the meantime. I have a month left to start getting some tread and figure out where and who I am. I want out of San Francisco… god yes!!!! Looking at East Bay, Portland, Seattle and maybe maybe Reno.
Still wondering what’s next…
So I sit here thinking about my future wondering where it will take me. Am I the driver or the passenger? It hardly seems logical that a 50 year old guy can sit here and not know where to go with it, but I have figured out one thing and that is there is something.
You practical Goats prefer solid footing beneath your feet, so it’s unsettling now when the very things you were most sure of start to disintegrate before your eyes. Don’t panic; it isn’t like your life is falling apart. The problem is your internal GPS isn’t operating at top efficiency, so you may have to fly by the seat of your pants for a while. Loosen up and enjoy the ride — even if you have no idea where you are going.
– My horoscope today on Tarot.Com (love that site)
Anyhoo… my love of cooking is seriously dying in San Francisco working for fucking idiots who think they don’t stink and are impervious to any wrong. OMG – I have worked for some serious losers who could never see themselves in a mirror.
So my passions have a chance to emerge but it is hard to ask the universe for something when I am uncertain to what it could be.
Getting motivated for moving on
So, Alexanders is in the rear view mirror and I am not heading anywhere yet. I am very bummed out that this did not give me any space to spread my wings. I worked for someone who rather sit on how miserable she thought I and other were instead of trying to make the situation better.
She was a fairly talented pastry chef, but a horrible leader. At this stage I am seriously considering that the cooking life might not be what I need for my life right now. I want to work somewhere that has a 
good atmosphere and I can produce lovely work. Not artsy shit like they had at Alexanders… one dessert really looked like Hello Kitty blew her brains out on a plate.
She made a dish once that – not kidding – looked like a crap on a plate. I posted pictures of all these and more on my food site www.pastryst8.com (Facebook) if you want to see. I do not think I got the poop plate pic… but damn it was a bad joke.
So whatever happens moving forward we shall see. A new day comes tomorrow. And today I got some sun and am looking kissed by the sun!
my resignation @ Alexanders Steakhouse
Below is an email I began writing to Gail this morning with the anticipation we could make a new path toward moving into the future that I did not send, but after our conversation at the Brannan Street location today it was clear that it was time to move on. I resigned with Sean and Rahmen today and will bring my uniforms in on Monday. I hope to receive my final check and leave on as positive note as possible.
There was no communication between Gail and I in the 8 or so months that I was there and I have to assert that my desire to succeed was unseen by Gail and for whatever folly with that there was no reason to continue on. She told me she did not see my passion and even when I tried giving her examples they went over as well as most of our conversations.
While I feel misunderstood and misrepresented I made an honest effort and was willing to go stronger. But, without communication and feedback even when asked for it there was no where to go. I learned a lot while with Alexander’s and wish the future would have been brighter.
Scott
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After last night I took some time to do some thinking and am writing this having considered a lot of things.
You were right about what was going on. Those souffles just cannot sit and they faded as they aged. Your name is on that menu – bottom line – and I respect that 1000%.
That being said – I want to tell you that I very nearly walked in and turned in my uniforms last week because I have been working very hard to show you my commitment level and you have given no indication that it has been visible. I had hoped that after all these months that the work and commitment I have tried to bring would resonate on any level.
- I come in early every day and get to work without a huge amount of chatter
- I bring my own tools and make sure I am ready to work
- I have been there and not only producing but creating and trying to contribute
- I tackle as much production as I can especially when it might be needed during immediate service
No other employee can say the same thing. I have been there to perform every day with the exception of days you have given me off on time or early.
I’m not a bozo and I am not scumbag and I am not retarded. We all actually joke about your go-to word calling us ‘retards’ or ‘retarded’.
- I am a U.S. Veteran who served 6 years
- I am a community leader and activist
- I am a soldier in my heart still and willing to take on tasks
- I am a patriot and I am a person who is very loyal
You say no one tells you things. These things are important. But I can fully understand that you and I are boss and employee. In spite of me feeling like you talked to me like I was – basically an idiot. I worked hard to show you I was committed and want top quality coming from our team. I do… but I am just gobsmacked about my ability to continue and being treated like a I less than human.
I get along with everyone … EVERYONE and I care about my work. I am thick skinned enough not to have complained. I have sought advice. This is a tricky business when it comes to human relations. Somehow I hoped that the superior standard Alexanders gives to their guests might apply to relations with staff as well.
Given that, it seems that is applies to some staff and not all. You do not talk to me the way you engage other people in the department. I struggled to figure out what it was and it seems like this is an issue with my age. I am twice as old as any other member on the team and if your expectations are different for me because of that then mine are of you as well because I give you every level of respect no matter what. I do try and stand up for myself but when you are right – like last night – you are right.
Why do I suspect agism? I have eliminated everything I can think of. I am there daily giving 150% and am open to any procedural changes you want me to take – because I am also here to learn a new method, procedure, idea, concept… I have absorbed so much on a level above where I came from. Yet, the negativity is just starting to feel overwhelming.
Certainly it may carry in my persona at this point because as you get ready to leave for the Los Angeles store you want to leave a legacy behind that helps you move forward to a whole new creative adventure. I want the same thing for myself… not L.A. though… I am saying I am here to better myself through this role for my own future endeavors whatever that might be.
Drifting
Why should I start with a title before writing something here? I do and then I want to change it when done. I started today’s title with: Drifting.
There are those rare moments when I feel like I am standing at the edge and close to giving up all faith. I feel like I am going no where and continuously sinking into the ground while finding nothing of a future for me. My career is a joke. I am almost 50 years old and still making $14./hour in a seriously SHIT job.
I tell people… as soon as I got a college education I started making a lot less money.
Somewhere along the way I fell down and got a bad road rash and I have been struggling and falling almost constantly for the better part of a decade.
Yes I have blessings in my life. I have what remains of my family: mom, step dad-bob, crazy step sister Christine and a few other steps like a lot and love. Top of the pile is C Monster … he has stuck with me through hell and high water. I am lucky to have someone that loves me like that. I did little to deserve it.
On my way home form work tonight … yes 1am in the morning… I stared out of my dead eyes and I told myself I was seeing the end of the rope again. A handful of the right pills and a good solid nap I probably won’t have to deal with all that shit anymore. But… some fucked up click in the universe seems to have made an afterlife nearly as complicated as life we know.
Ending it all would hurt my mom and my C Monster and those are things I can’t leave behind. If I just gave up what would I have to live for? Often it is very much the case where I feel all I have to do is jump and get it over with.
Do you every ruminate? I have these thoughts of being really high up and falling a lot… damn if it does not freak me out. I get this vertigo feeling when up high on a ledge… freaky.