Tom the Dawg died today. He went to heaven… no other place for this puppy.
Category Archives: Things that haunt me
thinking more… weighty shit
The weight of the world is on me as I write this. Dramatic as it sounds, I cannot stop thinking about everything.
My last entry was an attempt to douse a few of my distractions and close the door on some of the fucking 
bullshit I let creep into my life. Alas it just seemed to clear the road for other things.
As much as I try to hunker down and find peace and some assemblance of happiness the fleeting it is.
It’s impossible to communicate the inner conflicts and make sense of it while standing in the eye of the storm. And the storm really feels disorientating. There I go with my metaphors again.
Its how my brain seems to make sense of things but right now it just is not working.
(tmi section) Even this morning when C and I were having some yummy sexy time it all got to be too much. I just completely shut down… Information overload.
Yet I am all alone on this one too. C just can’t understand though he really tries.
I feel like I need some time alone for a while and I need the ability to figure this out, though my choices have been really questionable.
no shortage of thought
Lately, I have had a lot of reasons to spend time thinking about the practical nature of my life rather than the spiritual and fluffy-fluffy shit. Reading my recent posts, someone might assume I am a complete nut-case.
My Spiritual Side
No matter what you think I have some core beliefs that are founded on personal experiences. I have, in this life, come across a lot of spiritual forces. I have faced and seen both: ultimate spiritual evil and 
ultimate spiritual good.
And I am not talking about any Jesusy bullshit religious crap. One can see the same things in human beings. But, in this case, I am talking about spiritual forces that may or may not have names.
As spiritual and touchy feely as a lot of people I know SAY they are I am discovering how many people really are talking out of their asses. Save your sage burning and incantations for the circus.
Why sounding so pissy on this issue? I am just tired of bullshit and people looking at me like I am nuts. I am also at the point where I realized my spiritual beliefs and other beliefs are not doing me any good at all.
My Default World Side
Well, the default world is the secular world. In the pure glimpse of the world around me I am disgusted with my life save one thing… C Monster. My bf and I are going on 2 years and he loves me in spite of me and I love him.
Family
I lamented a while on how I failed my parents, dog-tom, and so many people I was close to in life. At what point does one start realizing that those failings are only as big as I make them out to be.
Today may be Tom-Dog’s last day on earth and I lost him 2 years ago. Taking him to my mom’s to stay while I figured out of San Francisco is where I needed to be was the right thing to do. She lives in the country and is home a lot, and he is bonded to her and my step-dad.
All the medical expenses this year for Tom-Dog and my parents have been astounding, but I will start helping more as soon as I can.
Friends
I can tell you I see a handful of people as my friends. Why so many of them are so far away? Why is it easier to maintain friendships with people I see once or twice a year – if that? People right here are so far away, metaphorically speaking.
One thing C Monster and I talked about last night we seem to have in common is a sad thing: we have been tabbed in the back by a lot of people we brought into our lives as friends. Only people you love can hurt you so badly.
Same with relationships, as it were, considering we both have met or became familiar with ex’s.
Why is it so hard to have friends? I think there is something inside of myself that has grown that disavowed trust in others? Non-stop betrayal and a failure of meeting expectations is the answer; my expectations but I think mostly other people. We do not seem to accept people for their scabs and all, but like many people we lean on what we think people should be instead of honoring people for who they are.
I had a close friend though, which goes against the previously spoken theory, who I had to abandon in life because I did not like WHO he was and WHAT he did to others. Like others, I walked out on them because I believed in their life they were doing harm to others or me. Vampires are everywhere and if they are unhealthy then wtf; why are there so many of them????
Conclusion
Since this post started I received a call from my mom letting me know that Tom will survive the weekend and it appears he is doing better with stronger pain medication at the vet.
I also decided that all this guilt I feel about my family is not mine to carry. I can do my best to make things right with all of them but I have to make that happen when I can and hopefully soon.
In talking with C Monster I think we figured out this is a factor in our lives we have to each grow from. We have met some amazing people, but in some cases I am suspecting some sheep are really foxes. One person keeps smiling and offering friendship to us, but keeps bringing up sex with both of us; not good with that one.
my mind
I don’t talk about certain things very often. Seems when I do it goes against the grain of the flow of the universe. Count this one up as one of my stranger entries.
Even my witchy friends don’t quite know how to wrap their heads around some if my shit. I swear nature tells me they should be the first ones on board my occasional crazy train but they’re not.
I am being vague on purpose. The purpose was mentioned in the first paragraph.
The world I live in is very different than yours. The solidness of air, the tingle of ambient energy, the radiance of a life force. I see into the souls of those who cannot see themselves.
Keep in mind my thoughts work in metaphors and pictures. I accept the world around me on the same premise.
It frees me to see it differently. I feel intense joy and in the secular world intense anger and resentment. Peace is hardly an option except when far removed from it all.
Good examples of this are several; Burning Man, Faery land (Radical Faery not mythical; though given the time of this entry I am sure it needed to be clarified), and just about anytime I can completely escape the digital leash.
There is a powerful vein of metaphysical energy in the world humans do not respect or honor. It can be a magical thing.
A radical faery I know once said that all humans have magic on them. I told him that simply was not true. Can’t say I know that for certain. But what I do know is seriously fucked up.
Now who sounds crazy now; yep, still me. Not sure why I needed to spill this now. Vague vernal vomit.
Wish I could just say it. But… Just flushing it out.
Goals and plans 2013 to 2014
Having trouble focusing on what I need for me. I came back from Burning Man with some new goals and have not written any of them down. Everything is a distraction and little allows for focus except for C Monster… well, I have to focus on him when he is around because our time together is becoming more precious.
My work schedule is opposite his and we have to see each other less. I cannot cook for him like I would like and that is a solid bummer. I love making us dinner at home.
Anyway, goals for the year are important and making them happen is also vital. I have not always been successful. Understand that over the many years I have figured out that September is a new beginning; it just always seems to work out that way. The rest of the year just seems to get harder and harder, but with a new outlook hopefully that will change:
Immediate Needs:
- start paying people back I owe money to; bills and rent and more… people who helped finance my Burn this year and my parents who have been taking care of my dog who has been really ill
- clean out my clutter and create more order
Oh I hate chaos and though it has it’s uses this time in my life is not it. My bills are horribly out of control and I need to regain some balance and I am really at the stage where I almost have no where to turn but bankruptcy. My student loans and some small tax issues are my biggest demons right now.
Short Term Goals include:
- September – December: Caught up on Bills / Debts
– I want to get some welding classes started
– I need a routine that includes health and fitness - December – January: Prep for 2014 which includes a new living situation, moving in with C Monster, preparing for Burning Man
– Burning Man tickets go on sale January but we are applying for low income
– Start planning for a future with C Monster - February – May: Stabilize life
– this is where life will throw me a curve ball and I will have to learn to roll with it as usual. - June – August: Prep for Burning Man
– I have decided I want to live in a more affordable place and
– Buy a car - August: Burning Man
- September – a new year begins
Longer Term Goals
- 1 year: figure out if C Monster and I are ready for the big leap:
– after financial rebuilding: move in and / possibly get married
– buy a car
– C Monster should be in school starting this year - 2 year: open my own restaurant (see below*)
Career is a big goal for me right now and despite me abandoning Dixie SF in June; I am working on a calculated plan to move ahead in my career. I am watching the ladder very carefully and trying to figure out what life is stirring me toward.
The message of the universe is not always clear, but I will tell you it was screaming at me to leave Dixie. I felt rewarded that I got a job right before Burning Man which I started right after; coincidence? I do not think so. The universe has a plan for me and I am trying like hell to make it work in a positive light for me. *I have a project I started in 2013 by registering a corporation called “Amazing Toaster, LLC” that has gone no where. But that is for another day.
Post Burning Man thoughts
It’s been a week since coming back from Burning Man and the head trip continues. All the baggage I started off with has shifted on meaning.
I stayed sober, relatively speaking, most of the week. Booze and other things were not a priority. I also went to the burn on a shoestring budget and mostly on the wings of others so that helped. Turned out to be a blessing to be too broke and so busy that my energies were better focused.
Gave me a lot more time to think about priorities and my life scenario. I did a lot of reflection while celebrating a lot of friends I have not seen in a while.
For C Monster and I there is a closeness that came from it. Our relationship feels stronger.
For everything else I heard a message that resonated: “Put out to the universe what you want back.” To me that means I have to find something inside myself that allows me to be more positive.
Although I am a diehard optimist, I can be surprisingly negative and mean. I have been judgy and disgusted by people. Omg people make me angry!
At Burning Man this year I buried all my reactions and did all I could to let stuff flow tight off my back and I seem to have been better for it.
After coming back I started the new job and boy has it been tough. Feels like a younger man’s game.
Time will tell. But if I can be a better me I will embrace that.
Against the wall again
One of the older faeries here in the city sent me a text message asking I we could meet and talk. He mentioned my current hard times and was offering to be a sounding board on some levels. So I am waiting outside Cafe Flore for him. He text me saying he would be a little late.
I spend a lot of time analyzing. I spent a lot of time trying to find reason. Some times I make conclusions and then discover how far far far I am from reality.
I am a misfit. I’ve become some desperate wreck trying to balance between what is right….what I should do versus what my gut says…versus Common sense’.
People are great with advice and what they insist is right but are not around to see the impact of the crash.
I have aligned myself with two cultures or ideals that proselytizes radical self expression and radical self reliance and the two seem to hardly fit together unless there is a trust fund in the back pocket.
It’s nice how my boyfriend is working hard on being supportive even as he goes through his own stuff right now.
My mom and step dad are struggling so much too. I imagine going to my ex, Adolfo, asking for help but that is just one more potential disaster.
Its hard to breathe. Anger rules me inside. Fear. Anxiety. How does one stay open in all of that?
Ordering one well overdue miracle please.
Amazing is what amazing does
I saw this today in a stupid commercial… but it’s what is missing when a lot of people look at me and the things I do. “A lot of people” seem to exclude a lot of faeries and burners I know… but…
“Normal can never be AMAZING”
In spite of how much people have wanted me to I have always shed the normal path of life. Even with the good decisions and the bad ones I found myself staring fate right in the face.
I have lived my life dreaming. I also remember a childhood being told by a father how I would always be a failure. In the end, I traveled a big chunk of the world and I met movie stars, rock stars, know some of the finest DJ’s on the planet and have felt immense joy and immense anguish. Flown in jets, helicopters and felt such love. I fell down a lot. But I keep getting back up.
I can stand here facing an unknown future and still do a happy dance with amazing people. I worry about my mom and I feel like I failed her, my stepdad and my amazing Tom-Dog. I love them so much. My step dad has been more a dad than the biological one I once knew. I want to do more for her… I would do anything… but being average or normal was never my calling.
NOT A PITY PARTY… but I stand here shedding regrets while respecting the possibilities of the future. I have struggled to toss off the demons and while some are still clinging on hard and firm I have hope. I have this resilient and occasional fleeting sense of hope that keeps me alive.
Damn, too much time on ones hands is not good. I have a ton a ton of shit to do. As I told a friend last night… I got to clear out my negative baggage and move on.
I seek an amazing life. No time for the negative.
Blah blah blah
Seriously, some of the shit that gets stuck in my head would boggle a lot of minds. Its been so messy up there and I am working on ways to get some focus back.
It’s all talk no action lately. Lately being the last 2 years. While I lament about the things that suck in my life I have lost all focus on the good things.
I need a time out. A reboot. Thought I had one but my job squeezed it out of my soul and spooled it. Argh!!!!
So what’s next. Idk.
I am looking at these things:
That does not even include my business goals that have been floundering. Hmph… Off to work.
Losty McDumbfuck
Last night I took another evening for myself. These evenings seem to involve a lot of numbing myself out and getting into questionable circumstances.
I bought a yummy brownie and was warned not to eat much of it. I ate more than the recommended amount and had drinks so before midnight o was pretty faced.
Waking up this morning I felt like an ashtray. Why do I do this shit to myself?
As much as I cut some bad things out I find myself sinking into other things more. Is this addiction or just escapism? Both? Meh, its a lot.
C Monster and I are still good. He is doing AA and I am proud of him. He had a big slip last week but no one beats him up like himself.
I need therapy again. I am losing myself. I am lost.