It may go without saying, or it might be the oldest saying there is, but it must be said. Now, I am going to hack this bitch up, but this is the general gist of what I am thinking:
“How can you expect to change your life unless you change what you’re doing for your life?”
See, hacked up. Basically I get caught up in routines and comfort zones. I’ve broken free of comfort zones for the most part and made excuses for others.
I have been SLOWLY focusing on changing parts of my life over the last couple years. I would like to say I am very different, but therein lay the delusion. As noted in previous entries as much as one changes one remains the same.
I am literally struggling day in and day out. I am really worried and having a hard time with WHERE I AM in life right now because I am that car that just came around the bend on a race track and hit a grease spot. That for the grace of God am I.
So why change? Why do anything different? What is so painful in life right now that is inspires anything but the same ol’ routine?
I am painfully lonely and as much as I try to hold on to certain friends in my life right now I never get complete fulfillment. I love my Burners. Seriously, when I need a mood enhancement (not chemical or intoxicant) I can be with my Burners and find comfort.
But I need more. I woke up today after a few days of contemplation considering when does this become action? When does change react to a catalyst?
- This weight I have been carrying for 8 years has to go
- I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin
- I gotta stop bringing myself down
- I have to let go of the baggage of my childhood
- I need me
So, if I can maintain. If I can hold myself up. If I can accept. If I can find the inner strength, new day begins. No one can help me. No one knows what I need to get there. I do not think anyone knows me well enough to make this journey securely; even myself.