Uriels Journal

cracked out

cracked out

What to do when 1 million things need to be done in 7 days or less. What to do when there are no resources to do it, too? Well, the answer is I have no friggin clue. I am sitting here trying to balance a box on my nose and juggle jugs of nitro …

ugh… I am getting way off track. So, here is the dealio. The fine folks from whom some of my income is portioned from have come up with a way not to pay me a week’s worth of cashola. At the same time I am trying to collect a payment for work I did for a client and he is not shelling that out yet.

I leave in 6 days for a 10 day trip and – if I could log into my bank – I would see either enough money in there to buy a pack of gum OR a negative balance? But, there is an ASP error when I try logging in – thanks Microsoft.

Am I ready for this trip… far from it. Am I managing… barely. Will I survive? Who knows… but there is a huge part of me that I would love to go there and stay forever. Like some kind of fantasy world…

BTW! I am figuring out what my new year is going to be. My new year starts in September. I figured out this month seems to be a pivotal one for me. Not the mass-marketing January 1st bullshit.

I spent some time reflecting and realized that most years…. September has oddly been a pivotal month for me. And I think this one will be nothing short of something cataclysmic!

There is some interesting energy passing around me and I am stuck in the flow right now. Some people who have not been active in my life are falling out. Some people who have not been good friends are also being pushed away or are flaking off like a bad scab. And oddly – I might have considered some of those people to be significant in my current life.


– Mark (mentioned in several recent posts) has fallen away – well pushed away. His friendship had a hidden agenda attached to it and an unhealthy and even mean spiritedness to it.
– David (oddly enough Mark’s recent ex) apparently was not interested in being friends. He and I clicked when we were out and partying and having fun and all; but somewhere along the way the ignored called and texts was not a clue that I was unwanted… I dunno. I wasn;t good enough.
– John (Mexican John) vanished on me more than a month. He started dating some freakshow that I met last Sunday for the first time. Freakshow is a kind … anyway. But I am still unsure where I am with him at this moment in time. If you ditch a close friend for a long time to date a freak (because he will be judged harshly [shocked yet?]) then what else will yo do to that friend?

It sucks… because loyalty is hard to find and friendship with people is even harder. I come from a family that is so disconnected that it is no wonder my personal relationships are so topsy turvey.*

There are others. But too much energy to expel further…. sigh.

On the other hand… people are connecting to me from a variety of resources. It’s odd, because I just got used to people drifting in and out of my life. (Yeah Scott, note the entry above with pictures of the offenders! Scott, you asshole!) [ha ha ha] But, I connected with a couple guys on facebook that are amazingly attractive, but the closest of them is literally 3000 miles away.

Locally I met a couple guys and 1 of them in person. Although nothing significant has happened between me and anyone… it feels nice to be making human contact. It is all a learning experience anyway. Next year will be much better. Next year is about some new goals and a new me. I promise. Another new me that has learned from me of the year before – who learned from the year before that – and so on and so on and so on….

…oh god help me please.

*some people might say my disconnection from my family is my fault and I might disagree. They are spread all over the country; hell most of them can’t wait to be away from each other and romance over the idea of a family reunion. It took my grandfather passing to get everyone – I do mean everyone – in the same place. I never saw such an amazing gathering. My grand-dad and grand-mother on my moms side were glue! They kept people together… I’m glad I knew them. My dad’s family is a solid hot stinking mess. Ugh…. [I digress]

One thought on “cracked out

  1. Anonymous

    Fly, be free. Then come back an maybe finally settle into what it really is. Christ dude, it ain't energy or space or love or income or whatever. You'll never…NEVER… be happy until you like yourself. Figure it out, 50 is a bit old to finally figure yourself out.

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