I’m tired, I’m frustrated, I’m feeling a lot of things I do not know if they are real or not. Like? Well, like this space where I feel like I am viewing the world outside a bubble and never really feeling part of the game going on inside. Dare I say it again, the world of Burning Man used to make me feel like I was a part of the game.

Why has that changed? Relationships in Vegas torn asunder, relationships here in San Francisco never really growing roots, and even with a desire to participate feeling like I am not welcome.

Maybe I put too much weight in this circle that seems to be crumbling around me or maybe my old enemy “expectations” is turning me over again? “Expectations” is a nasty nasty nasty bitch. They always fail and they always fall short. Call them anticipations and delude myself.

‘One Day at a Time’ – remember that Scott. It is one day at a time and you are not beholding to anyone anymore to live up to their standard. Even my mom seems to understand that… maybe because I have failed her every time in that area (though she might kindly disagree) . She – at some point – just started letting me fall when I needed to and experience things on my own.

My father is another matter. You can look up that drama if you want.

I have to figure out it’s time to let go of the regrets I have been carrying around like ghostly chains. It’s time I stopped feeling guilty about so many things. Each time you see a little gift on the site it contains the bitch, whine, insecurity I will try hard not to post on here anymore.

I owe a lot of people money and a debt of tremendous gratitude and will make all of those things right. I will do my best. Many have kindly offered me help along the way and some have asked to be paid back and I will… I still make barely enough to survive; no excuses.

So, Diane Sawyer has said good night and I am going forward to make another promise to myself come true; for me. Get back onto a routine sleeping schedule and work more activity in my life to be as healthy as I can.  Even if I die tomorrow.

I have severe social anxiety and depression and I normally have a great grip on it but there have been a lot of times lately when the chains are stretched and the ability to contain it is lost.

I hate that the emotions inside me are so visible in my face and body language.

I hate that I am not worthy of love and respect of people which I guess it is the way I feel about myself. I can’t say there are many people out there I can trust. I can’t say there is a single living person I can trust with my feelings or anything about me. Being stabbed in the back is something that is going to happen eventually with anyone I met in this life.

Many times they might not even know it… but I have made some really bad choices for friends in this life. I believe that Burners have been among the best people I have met but what I find frustrating is the absolute denial of anything controversial and inability to deal with issues… not my problem anyways.

But what about that handful of people I tell people are my best and closest friends. They all live in different cities so they are removed from my life on any normal basis but how much can I feel and trust??? I have no idea.

You see what I mean? I am alone. I am by myself. I have no one. I am not worthy… those were words my dad told me over and over again growing up and there is a point where those words resonate at the worst of times.

2 years of therapy had his words at bay, but the voice is still there. In fact, I am going to work on an art project that actually deals with this inner dialog.

Poor Scotty… Poor poor Scotty… he’s such a sad case…

Fuck you to hell you fucking fuck-wad fucker… that’s how I feel about your opinion. I did not ask for it. And I am not interested in your politically correct assurance that none of this is true and then in the end demonstrate no… none… not even a hint of caring.

There are a couple people I have found very sincere and caring and I told them that at Christmas or New Year’s in a text. There are some genuine people I wish I could be closer with. Can I be close to anyone ever again?

Final Note
All my life I honestly expected to be dead by the time I was 40 from HIV/AIDS or something. I had this vision I would not live a long life… maybe it was a generational thing because HIV was the new gay cancer that came out while I was in high school. I naturally thought it would be my fate one day.

Spend much of my life not protecting myself from it, yet over and over again I had negative HIV tests. My physicals showed me as healthy as anyone could ever be. I was a little fat, but now even that has changed.

So, I did loose about 50#s through the summer and into Winter and it is a lot. I am at the age where men start losing muscle naturally and with the weight loss I assumed that I did it on my own. I called it the poverty diet.

I am starting to wonder and feel that maybe this is the time. I have had this painful (like 11 on a scale of 1 to 10) burn in my chest. I am thinking cancer or something. I am resolute that if I get either one I will not fight it. I will let it take its course naturally.

I have nothing to live for. I have nothing in this life worth living for and I am just tired of it. Every day is fucking hard and every day is so absent of joy. I feel good at Burning Man. I feel so much lighter there. I would like to make it there for 2012 and then I am just done.

AND… I know my audio drops at the end… but the vid is go to go for the most part… enjoy the music!

UGH!!! So, sorry to be so blah blah blah with the video and the Facebook updates and the whining…. the year is almost freaking over. Year of the Dragon starting in Feb … watch out bitches.

I was so rushing through this because I had to create new titles too… and did not want this as an all day project. XO!

Granted I have some Grade A quality people floating in the pool with a lot of pee and poop, but the few that count make the difference. Now, I found something to cheer me up a bit:

and

Now that’s a happy birthday…. I’ll take what I can get.

So, my big treat to myself today was dinner. I got a nice filet of white fish, a stuffed clam, some veg, piece of cake and there ya go. You might think I was turning 85 but only a mere 47 and I am still this big of a loser.

Bottom line… I cannot afford to live where I am living but I am gunna have to make it happen. The pluses outweigh the minuses and can lead to something very powerful I hope. Self empowering really.

Being on my own and away from certain people is a relief. Mark was just too much to deal with and this whole bi-polar thing was more than any human should have to deal with. Get medicated, bitch! Oh wait, he was and it was not enough. He was just mean.

Now, people are looking at me more often. I mean not only like I am attractive, but also making eye contact???

Well, this always happens when I am dating someone too. Maybe I look a lot less desperate or something??? I am told I look a little too eager at times. I dunno…no one was ever really good enough anyway.

I like it here. I feel good here. This is where I need to be right now. I was wondering about that when I was out of town last week.

The place I am staying at is more than I can technically afford at the moment but it means I have to hustle and get some money coming in like asap. Fortunately I have irons in the fire and with this new energy flow I hope to see some new prospects develop.

On my way to Tehachapi I had a few words with God… my guardian angel… any spirit around me pretending to be a force for my well being and renounced them all. I have just been shit on in the last couple years by forces I thought were supposed to be there for me and so I decided I was done.

I’m not an atheist now. I am more than an agnostic. I felt that “the universe” had my back but I am now the bush that the dog just sniffed and decided to leave it’s scent upon.

Fuckit… Fuckit all… I need to take a better grasp on my future and get me moving in the right direction irregardless of what I thin kGod or anything else thinks. Fuckit. Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit …

… and all that.

My plan is to head back to San Fran on Saturday so I can return the rental car on Sunday and then make it to an interview on Tuesday for a job that might be really cool, but the problem is that it is not paying well. BUT! It is where I want to be right now and hope I don;t get over looked because of my age once again.

Why go back to San Francisco? It is hard living there. Everything is expensive and there is little actual sympathy from one human to another. People care more for strangers than … well, I can’t finish that statement. Between #Occupy people taking over apartment building for homeless people I stand around kind of stunned.

Why? Well, I see so so so many homeless people around the city and they all need. Some are completely out of their heads. I worry I will end up like them. Back to the point… they need money, food, housing… all of the things I need too. I am just lucky enough to be just above the line where I am in their shoes.

I would help them if I could. I sometimes feel I can’t help myself. That, or I just cannot get any traction.

In the way to my moms place I had a couple small break-downs. Not full mental melt-downs or anything like that, just a spiritual one way shouting match with God and this dumb-ass guardian angel that may or may not be around me for the fucked up support I have had. I did a lot of shouting up there and expressed my frustration.

There is this non-stop crapping on my head lately.

Poor me… yeah I know and I am not oblivious to the ways of self-reliance in the world. See the world through my eyes and understand that life has provided a lot of interesting emerging paths. Doors opened almost the moment when windows closed and visa versa; I felt charmed for a long time. What happens then one goes to that bank one too many times? Coins of chance turned in my favor more times than I could count and all of a sudden I started crapping out… a lot.

Maybe there are still some invisible chances coming my way or window yet unexplored? Always the optimist.

…but in this latest fall I might actually be starting to lose faith for the first time ever. I am now to the point where it does not matter of the glass is half full or half empty. I pushed it over and smashed the glass.

p.s. – my original plan with going back Saturday is not looking so good right now.