Uriels Journal

friends? lovers? tormentors? Chaos!

friends? lovers? tormentors? Chaos!

So, I have a lot of things to think about these days. There is a storm brewing which we will call chaos. Chaos breeds change and the first thing I do is look around and determine – what keeps me here in Las Vegas other than a shitty lease. I ask myself – where are my roots? Who is here that makes me happy to be with?

Well – obvious answer #1 is that I have my Burners. But Burners do not seem to be hampered by Geography because they always seem to be able to bridge the miles. Events that bring people together are sporadic and somewhat organized… unfortunately the people who have been managing those events are backing out this year and leaving it up to someone else to take the mantel.

Alas, when I look at the other relationships I have managed here… even they seem to be coming apart.

The guy I have considered my best-bud for 3 years has pulled away from my almost entirely; not even an explanation. I tried developing a friendship with another guy here, David, but he is not available either. Seems a lot of our cool hangout time seems to evolve around partying… and I guess that is not enough?

The women I have been friends with are also falling away. Deb is busy with her own life and even getting together has been nearly impossible. The only reason I see Olga so often is she lives right next to me. Roberta lives on the other side of town and we barely connect. Indi is a burner so she fits more in that scene.

True many of the things I do sorta exclude these friends. Burner events in the desert, guy only events at the pool, and sometimes I just want buddies.

My friends off in the distance are important to me too, and I still feel Jeff A and Kaidy though the live in L.A.. Strangers on Facebook are just as close sometimes and it is all quite annoying.

As I try and develop quality relationships with minimal baggage; I have opened myself quite a bit only to be hurt and disappointed way too often. Disappointed? That means I am setting up some expectations. Yes – I have expectations. I expect people to act like human being without hidden agendas and that seems to be impossible.

Whether it is a touchy-feely guy hanging on the fringe of the group who is ambivalent to boundaries (I suffer the occasional problem myself), or it is a guy making nice to use me to help him move or get groceries or whatever.

What prompted this entry is Mark again. He is a solid gold flake and I am sick of it again. We reacquainted with each other a few days ago and within a day or so he had me agreeing to ferry him to SFO in October to help him move??? Before that I was his ride to Burning Man – which he blamed me for ruining when I told him he had to find another way (that was the result of a previous argument).

As I look back with Mark I am now realizing he is a user. I developed feelings for this guy when we went to Utah together; things started going romantic and very much in a dating mode. Then one day he said he was not attracted to me. BOOM – slam the gate, turn the key, drop the key into the gutter and walk away from me. Ugh…

He said and did a lot of things over the following two weeks that just hurt my feelings. He was cruel in his words at me and when I just shut the door on that and walked away it was all I could do not to blow up. I just shut down and walked away. Now he seems to be putting me through the mess again without the romantic ideation.

Bad timing. I had – about the time of the Utah trip – felt like I was ready to open my heart to someone. Well… as noted in the previous entry – he took a crap on it, spit at it, pointed and laughed at it.

Heart closed.

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