Uriels Journal

fucked weekend

fucked weekend

This weekend was a lot about struggling with emotional shit. My mom was put into the hospital on Friday for a clot in her lung and an irregular heart beat. My step brothers and sisters really rallied. They did such an amazing job of coming together that I felt like I let my mom down. They were all so amazing.

My mom is a woman who I looked at as being a real iron maiden; as it were. She was the one who was supposed to be the one who outlasted us all. So I figured. I mean to say, she has been such a strong scorpio woman that with my step-dad’s failing health I thought she would out pace him and then I would help her through her retirement.

Well, turns out she gets more and more frail every day and it makes me worry for her. I do not know if I have the capacity to be there for her. I might be more selfish than I thought? I might be a bad son? I might be unworthy of the support and love she has given me over the years.

I’ve made a lot of fucked up decisions in life and see that I am doubting myself a lot. I did not go to California to see her because when we talked on the phone she sounded good. DAMN!!!!

It’s funny though… a lot of people have been venting to me about their problems. Since Friday a few (several) people have come to me telling me about their personal problems with ex-fiancees, crack-head ex-roommates, selfish-bitch daughters giving their mother an attitude… and there is a a voice in my head shouting in the distance saying: “fuck you – I have my own problems. deal with your issues and piss-off” … but I can’t.

I have so few people in life to lean on. The people I care about most and would lean on the heaviest live so far away. My friend John, who I hang with almost every weekend, is dealing with his own shit. I see it in him, he holds back a lot and internalizes it like I do. LORD KNOWS he would never blog it like I do. I am blogging this morning to get some of this weight off my mind.

I am so depressed lately. I am constantly struggling in my own head and my own selfish world that if you could imagine someone barely keeping afloat in the ocean that would be me. Financially, emotionally, physically weighed down and struggling to keep the air in my lungs.

Sad thing is… many people are in the same boat… or out of the same boat. I mean hell, if there was a boat there would be little drowning. Yes, I still ahve a sense of humor about it. Call it a sense of perspective. Whenever I get caught up so deeply in my own shit I remember there are a lot of people who have it much worse and I could be in a much darker state of being mentally and physically. I still count my blessings.

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