When I started writing this blog as many years ago… it was a time when I was much happier. I am like a swimmer in the ocean caught in the rip tides these days often pulled helpless under the curling waters unable to catch a breath. I am in the wall of an ant trap unable to escape what lay below or the freedom which seemingly exists above.
I grew up so certain of some things and at my current age I have not seen any of those things come true. Everything I thought was written in my minds has so far been a delusion; neither positive or negative these ideas have been the exact opposite of what I dreamed.
In these times I am floundering in those tides of a rough sea in a place both mentally and physically that are killing me like a psychological cancer; my sanity in question and the random disappointments like those killer tides.
- I was supposed to be dead by the time I was 32: failed that one as I am staring 51 in the face.
- I was supposed to be wealthy and having traveled the world before that death… well I guess I got that half right. Being perpetually poor and unable to hold on to a buck. Being constantly in debt and unable to escape taxes, credit cards, student loans debt debt debt really plays on a person’s soul and mind.
No that I am the healthiest of minds to begin with. Not that the way I was raised was any solace to feeling like a healthy human being. I feel like I am dying on the inside and I have no one to find a handle with.
This has nothing to do with my boyfriend, because I love him more than anything right now. I would not want to lose him, but I might need to break away for enough time that I can feel like I have a grip on myself and my responsibilities.