It’s hard to put things into perspective sometimes when you think the end of the world is upon you. ‘There for the grace of God go I‘ is something I have often said. I see homeless, drug addicts, crack heads and worse out there who have it a hell of lot worse.
Today Sucked Balls!
And not in the good way. All the anticipations I had yesterday that I was going to get this new dream job went right into the toilet this morning with an email. I must have stared into space almost an hour before I snapped out of it and started wondering what I was going to do next.
Unless the universe has a surprise for me around the corner that job opportunity was possibly the last hope I had in this city of settling in. I was just starting to feel a lot more comfy here and now it’s all just a warm bucket of shit.
In perspective it could be worse and it does not help that I got hit with a super bad cold this morning that is fucking my head like a horny guinea pig. FUCK!
I have no idea at this moment and if what normally happens: this might be the next series of events:
- if I stay the course something will come up and just barely sustain me and not allow me to get caught up on my debt or take care of the living things I needs to take care of; maybe
- if I give up and get rid of everything and take a minimal into storage and live out of a suit case I’ll be leaving myself with nothing once again and will have to start completely over… but from where?????
See, there are no clear answers. So, I guess in the end my father gets to be proved right and that I am absolutely worthless and should never have been born. I am a failure and a loser… that’s what my dad taught me.
It really sucks that his voice still is as loud as it is in my head and it fucking sucks how absolutely powerless I feel. I am always letting people down; including myself. If it was an option I would check-out right now. But, been on the other end of that too often and can’t do it.
I have no one to blame but me in the end and no one to keep me from falling. If I dropped off the earth… I can count the people on one hand that might even notice.