So, the pepto version of the site is gone and back to my favorite tones of green… it was a quick change I put in today while I really should have been doing some other things instead.
It’s not enough… never is… to be satisfied with the way things are. As much as I get easily trapped into routines, you think I might want to change my environment less. However, that is not the case.
My satisfaction with life here in Vegas has been fading harder and harder every day. There are glimmers of hope and potential that keep popping up, but it is hard to have faith in anything or any one for that matter.
What I define as a friend seems to be so high on a pedestal that fulfilling that is unreal.
The guy I have considered my best friend has been unavailable for weeks and though he calls once in a while, there is still little time for me. He has his own life and certainly me being broke all the time helps very little.
Defining friendships and defining what the boundaries of these relationships has been lost in some levels. It’s weird, because I feel like we are estranged boyfriends some times. I joke that he is the best non-boyfriend ever… but the truth and sting of it is that there is a ring of truth to that. I do not want to go there with him… maybe because it feels like we have been playing that role on some level.
I crave intimacy. Really, far beyond sex. Sex is hot, fast, and finishes quickly leaving an empty void when it is over. Sex is easy and satisfying even for a little while.
However, I have been paying attention to my interactions with guys I am romantically attracted to. I found myself getting over it very quickly. My dissatisfaction with people comes quickly. Their faults radiate brightly. However, really I just do not have room for a relationship on that level right now.