So, I have been reflecting on a lot of things and about a year or more ago I got to the point where I realized that my biological father was never going to be a good influence on my life. I counted on one hand events in my life that were good experiences:
1. riding with him on my little green Honda dirt bike (I mean it was small and so was I back then)
2. when we drove back to Illinois together following the death of my grandparents (Note: this is where he pointed out what a horrible drunk my grandad was by showing me his PILE of discarded Jack Daniels bottles under the house)
3. when I enlisted in the Air Force
4. when he was sending me off to boot camp months later
5. … and when he helped me with some funding for culinary school.
But what happens when those things sorta fade when I can count well past all appendages the horrible and awful things he has either said or did to me.
NEWSFLASH: I have been seeing a therapist recently trying to get myself back on track and trying to refocus on the things that are important. Yesterday was very profound as I had this discussion for the first time with the doctor… she had me do an exercise that had a strange result.
I told her about the things he said to me through my teenage years:
1. “you are worthless”
2. “you are not worthy to have my name”
3. “you are a loser”
These are all phrases and words that still play in my head to this day. I find myself vulnerable right now because my self-esteem has been a little shipwrecked with the lack of employment, lack of interpersonal relationships right now, lack of a lot of things… but I do count my blessings (cover those later).
The exercise was for me to picture him across from my sitting in a chair there and shout back that he is wrong… right. When I closed my eyes I see the man at the same age I am right now. When I tried this exercise (mental visualization) as much as I shouted back I had no voice. I could not make a sound. Fucking weird…
1. I could only see the man in his 40’s
2. I could not make a sound no matter how fiercely I tried to speak
Oddly, when she first told me to yell back I told her it would be like talking to a stone post. sigh…
So, I pay attention to the world around me and I am not unaware that life gives us subtle messages in the background. Whether it is circumstantial or not… it can cause a reaction. Which is why I cut ties with him.
I was working one day and Dr.Phil (a show I hate) was playing in the background and I heard only one line as he was talking to a chick with a fucked-up dad saying “your dad was a bad man but you have your own life so get over it”.
Get over it? Sounds cold, but I agree. The biggest thing I have to deal with is… how much like him I am. I HATE the idea I am so much like him. I hate that I am sound like him, react like him, treat people like him. I have been fighting like crazy for the last year not to be like him and trying to change that. Even my mom agrees.
He is an asshole; in the classic sense of the word. I have been an asshole; in the classic sense of the word… I try not to be but somehow it just naturally comes out.
All I can do is do my best to be a better person. I pray nightly that I can be a better person than I was yesterday and so on and so on and so on….