So, though I have been out of work for much of the last year, I keep trying to find my niche. It keeps avoiding me. Having said that, I was feeling like life was turning into a skid last month. Especially with Gio in my life, I felt like the car that was in the skid suddenly was pulling a small trailer along with it… ugh.
The representation of my success and security is something I never defined. The trap door in the floor for me is money, straight out, that being the one thing that stresses me out more than anything. Money has been the knuse that has been my Sword of Damocles my whole life.
What is it that money does for us when we spend more than we have so easily? Credit, cash from parents, borrowing here or there… it is all one more inch in the rope strung around my own neck.
As a kid, my dad gave me money to shut me up or make his own troubled personality feel better over saying or doing anything positive. His bandage was money. Meanwhile, I saw my mom always struggling to sew pennies together and like me get over hear head once in a while. But God Bless the woman, she is a survivor and finally got retirement.
I am drowning. I think this month I may have finally sunk below the surface and keep looking for the light at the surface. It’s been the weirdest struggle this year.
So, that car skidding into the curve, well a tire just blew and there is smoke coming out from under the hood. I look out the drivers side door and see the wall getting closer. Do I crush into it? Do I bounce off and slide forward picking up momentum?
– mom and step-dad rescued me on a small loan and I have barely paid any of it back after 2.5 years
– the car I absolutely loved was repossessed and Honda is coming at me for the balance
– Capital One is suiting me over 2k$
– my current bills are about equal to or more than any money I have coming in
– my unemployment could end at any time; there is no count down on what is left
What am I going to do? I have to take some form of action this week.
Look out that window! The wall is made out of white washed cement and has a lot of little dimples in it. There is a big dark-gray smudge where someone else visited it recently. Just past it are a lot of people having pink papers at me and shouting.
(If you have not figured it out, but my brain works in metaphores and pictures)