I have not posted a video blog in a long while. The only reason is that I end up spending an ungodly amount of time rendering it then uploading it… (heavy sigh here).
The last couple of postings were a little weird… granted. I do have the satisfaction knowing that no one is really reading it anyway. If anyone other than my mother was I would be surprised since the monitoring software is not telling me much.
C and I have been in this crazy romance for a while. That weekend 2 weeks ago was a dark time and I went to the V.A. for help with it but I was turned away. It was insulting, but I know the V.A. as a whole is better than that.
I digress… this guy has been the light of my life in the past months and as we hit 5 months into this time we have been seeing each other it feels like we have been together much longer. He has not used the “L” word and while I have a few times I see in his eyes and his action that he really loves me too.
C has a funny set of standards he lives by and they are skewed by some strange mix of idealism and seeing himself more through others eyes than his own. I think it is his age/maturity but he is a good man. Together we are better people.
I have been riding this roller coaster for a few years… probably more than I realize. Thing is a couple weeks ago I feel I got off the roller coaster and landed in the bumper cars and am bored of those already.
No, it’s not C and not the job. My focus has been on the job and doing the best I could there. I have found vipers in the house of the gods and find this trusting nature in danger. I have found self doubt and fear, but I have found success and joy.
These add up to the normal things that come with a new job, doing new things, but working hard to live up to a lofty standard I know I can still reach. I have added a new thing to the menu everyday and 98% of them I can be very proud of. Minor issues have arisen but I have survived them and will continue.
I have some coworkers that I can see already expect me to fail, but I have managed to beat them every day.
Stability has never been my friend. But why is it all I want to wrap myself in this job and C and enjoy a quiet life for a while. On the other hand I still have cravings for going out and enjoying the party.
As much as I want to do all that with C he is starting to feel he is out growing it as well.
I do have a ticket for Burning Man again this year and would like to make this my last year at the big event before resigning myself to the Regionals going forward. This is/will be my trade off. Or… my new start.