I feel like everything is falling apart around me and the things that I thought were making me happy are now things torturing me inside. This cannot be the right place… this cannot be the right state of mind… since I have been exploring this horrible anxiety and depression I have been saddled with it seems like things are hardly better for me.
The new job seems to be a good fit for me today, but I overheard someone inferring that I was not doing nearly as well as I thought I was. It pissed me off so much, but there is no one for me to vent to. I will not cause drama at work at all… will not. I can only put on a brave face and keep doing my best.
As for C… he left me this last weekend and went to visit friends out of the city. He left me alone and this was after a crappy fight we had Friday night. I was ready to walk away, but that was anger talking. It was not my heart… the wires between my heart and my brain finally reconnected and we talked it out on the phone. Seems we both have a temper and are both stubborn.
It’s been so many days since I have seen him and now my phone crapped out on me and I can’t seem to reach him through email to let him know and assure him I am not ignoring him. In fact, I am going to see if I can catch him on his way out of work and see if we can survive this hard time.
I posted this here before leaving because I wanted to channel the anxiety out of myself in some way… but ya gotta be careful what you put in the universe. The universe has been crapping all over me lately and I am at a loss what to do.
I took a long ass shower to think and it is the best place to just let thoughts flow. I hope to be venidcated because I am almost at the end of my rope. I am so tired of this life where I am constantly on the losing end of life; the but of fate’s joke.
Well, this is not helping. But… I am posting it anyway and heading out to see if my BF still loves me.